The church, a body of hurting people worshiping a God of all comfort..

It's been a long week. I'm tired, I've been working night shift for most of it and by now, it's Sunday evening and the last thing I wanted to do was go to church. I would have far rather spent the evening in bed with a movie avoiding social contact. However, my mother had been to church this morning and came home to inform me that our minister had been asking how I have been keeping, that he would really like to see me at the service.

Cafe Church begins at 6:30pm and by 6:15pm, I was still in bed convinced that I would not be leaving the house.

It's always when I least want to go to church, I find that God speaks the loudest. I'm not sure whether it is to do with my spirit feeling more tender or whether God is screaming right at me. Whatever it was, I was glad that I went.

We have just began a new series in James this evening. The verses that our minister stopped on where the following [emphases mine]:

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 

As I said to begin with, I'm tired. I went to church because my mother wanted me to.

I arrived, took my usual seat, beside a few of the older ladies from our congregation, (I find when I don't want to be there, if I sit with them, I'll learn something no matter what...)

Looking around the hall, tonight instead of seeing a group of people who I usually am convinced have got it all together, I seen something far more beautiful. I seen a body of hurting people coming together to worship our God, the God of all comfort. The God who has experienced trials, pain and every human emotion possible.

We are not people who have got life sorted out. I'm glad that we're not.

But more so, I'm glad that at the end of all our pain, we will receive a crown of life.

When God speaks, it feels like he is screaming at me.

I'm glad of this also.

Numb

My arm is numb, my heart is numb. 
I've felt so daft, almost dumb. 
My tear stained face tells a pain filled story. 
My God is seeking his glory.
Temptation is high, reaching higher than the sky, yet all I want to do is cry. 


I can't bare for the world to see me like this...
I swear, I'm falling slowly into the abyss. 
Don't look at me when I cry. 
I'm holding on, not ready to die. 


Where have I gone? Is this real?
In these moments, I was never the one with a FAIL. 
Where have I gone? Where did I go? 
All this time... all this time, I wonder, did I bring this onto myself
all those years ago? 


My arm is numb, my heart is more numb. 
I felt so daft, truly dumb.
My tear stained face screams a pain filled story.
From MY story, is God really getting his glory?
Temptation is high, reaching higher than the sky,
yet all I can do is cry. 


Please don't look at me when I cry, 
I'm holding on, not ready to die. 
Coming to the end of this year, 
What I ask for are tears of hope, not tears of fear.