So, here we are again.

We are sitting up late staring at a blank computer screan wondering where has the day been?

Where have I placed my thoughts and feelings in this day? What has happened that has brought me here to this place of wondering now, at this time?

The day started off so filled with promise, so filled with hope yet then I steped into the equation, I steped in and said NO, I want it my way today... It may have been a consious choice, it may have been that subconsious choice, it may have even been the one that we don't even realise we are doing until it gets to sitting up late at night, staring at a blank computer screan.

So many times I try to place my thoughts and feelings in your care, so many times I try and try. However, the more I try the more I fail. - It's like the more I try to please the worse I become...

How can it be that so many times I end up sitting here?

My only comfort tonight is that I know I am not alone, tonight is different. There is music playing in the background each night that I feel alone, but tonight is different.

Tonight I know that my God is with me in this place even when I can't work out how to place my thougthts into the right place. It's like a jigsaw with the piece missing each day, yet you oh Lord are that missing piece, the section that makes the entire picture make sense.

Beth Hart put it wonderfully in Soul Shine:

When you cant find the light That guides you through a cloudy day When the stars aint shinin' bright You feel like you've lost youre way When the candle lights of home Burn so very far away Well you got to let your Soul shine Just like my mamma used to say

She used to say soul shine It's better than sunshine It's better than moonshine Damn sure better than rain And if the people don't mind We all get this way sometimes You got to let your soul shine Shine to the break of day

Just as God promised Joshua  "I will not leave you or forsake you." (Joshua 1:5 ESV), that promse still rings true in our lives today, as the writer to the hebrews reminds us clearly of God's promise: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5 ESV)

With this in mind, those who are trusting in God can turn back each day even if the day has begun out with a firm NO from us.

Praise shall rise as my heart will continue to say:

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,      my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. (Psalm 42:5-6 ESV)

Theater of Dreams

Written on 14 April 2011


We're trained to be 'happy' to put on a show. Trained to be friendly, put on a show. I'll put on the theatre mask & pretend like I mean it... Perhaps I'll start to even believe it... 

I'll abduct her later and we'll wear our masks of the theatre & perform in the dance of which we call 'life' 

It shall be beautiful, it shall be poetic. The world as we know it changes tonight. We've given up on seeking the heroic. 

In my theatre of dreams, only you can feed my soul. Please don't be only in my dreams, come and make me whole. 

The days of dreaming have begun, I'm searching, dreaming to find the one. 

It shall be beautiful, it shall be poetic. The world as we know it changes tonight. Have I truly given up on seeking the heroic? 

A poem

I wrote this during a retreat on 24th March 2011:

It doesn't matter how far back in the race you start
It doesn't matter when you gave me your heart

I'm with you always and forever
Lets take it one step at a time, because,
I'm with you always and forever
Lets take it one step at a time
I promise you this, you're mine.

It doesn't matter that you've tripped or fell
This journey is ours; you're doing well
It doesn't matter that you feel you can't cope
This journey is mine, I promise you hope.

What matters now is that you give me your heart
What matters now is that I want your heart
It's broken now, but I've made a vow

I'm with you always and forever
Lets take it one step at a time, because,
I'm with you always and forever
Lets take it one step at a time,
I promise you this, you are mine.

Numb

My arm is numb, my heart is numb. 
I've felt so daft, almost dumb. 
My tear stained face tells a pain filled story. 
My God is seeking his glory.
Temptation is high, reaching higher than the sky, yet all I want to do is cry. 


I can't bare for the world to see me like this...
I swear, I'm falling slowly into the abyss. 
Don't look at me when I cry. 
I'm holding on, not ready to die. 


Where have I gone? Is this real?
In these moments, I was never the one with a FAIL. 
Where have I gone? Where did I go? 
All this time... all this time, I wonder, did I bring this onto myself
all those years ago? 


My arm is numb, my heart is more numb. 
I felt so daft, truly dumb.
My tear stained face screams a pain filled story.
From MY story, is God really getting his glory?
Temptation is high, reaching higher than the sky,
yet all I can do is cry. 


Please don't look at me when I cry, 
I'm holding on, not ready to die. 
Coming to the end of this year, 
What I ask for are tears of hope, not tears of fear.